To be Called

October 3, 2006

Today Horacio and I went to ask for a VISA in the US Embassy. We were granted one thanks be to God but it was not easy.
Our interviewer could not fathom why we didn’t stay in the US with our Finance VISA. We didn’t stay because we have compromisos (commitments) here—Horacio is a Pastor, VP of the ILAG and a Law Student. I am a missionary.
Then she wanted to know why I am here. I said I have a call here. She looked at me as if I was crazy and asked if it was a personal call or an official call. I don’t have an official call so I said I have an MDIV, hope to be ordained and that the ILAG agrees with my presence as pastor here.
She was right to ask—internal/ external call. She hit me right in the sore spot hard. One of my professors worried some time ago that in waiting for the system of the church to ordain me, I would be brought low… and I have been.
Our church has the responsibility to order, to call externally those who are called and prepared. It has been almost 2 ½ years since I graduated from seminary and I am waiting patiently but painfully hoping.
Delegations come and go—I care for them as a pastor would. I deliver the Word to them, for them. Again and again I hear exasperated comments about why I am not ordained and questions about what they can do to help make it happen.
Here in Guatemala I am being used up in my vocation. Rural male church leaders are coming up to me for council—no small feat… I teach theology, children and preach. Space is not automatically given but I have been given it… but every new member I have to start again. I am a woman after all. I don’t doubt that I have a call—but I doubt deeply that I do as well.
After all we are taught over and over in seminary that internal calls are important but the external call “to be our pastor” is essential.
I find myself in a tough spot. My church is the ELCA. I went to seminary and was approved ELCA. I feel called to serve in the mission field in Guatemala. The Guatemalan church aggress as do many delegations who we receive… but these people cannot extend me a call… the Division for Global Mission has this role, and they say no.
It affects me not being ordained. I feel like who I am is being denied. Call me self important but sometimes maybe the Holy Spirit is working outside of the structure and norms of the Division of the Church… just a thought.